we came to hills where cometh our strength, riding the wave of whatever change was awaiting permission to be sparked. we brought our burdens there: full hearts and blues boxes with songs from the key of life and salt. we came committed to be the change we dream: living in our fullness where others filled their emptiness with next cocktails, cocks or tails. sober, we understood the necessity of feeling with the clarity of vultures sighting sustinence. holding one another close, we understood that expressions of intimacy don't require nakedness, risk, or self-sacrifice. we held one another so closely that it hurt to let go. in the after... we will have to call on the memory of such protectedness.
we needed to pray together-- build a shrine with our inspirational quotes, taboos, tears, ghetto-antics, and cuddles. we needed to believe we were the product of a loving and living God, full of grace and endowing us with peace of mind to enact the revolutions that would reflect in our mirrors, homes, and families. we came to find refuge in friends and left with the certainty of brothas who would hold us in the falls or at the edge of heartbreaks. we arrived single and partnered to leave committed to the same or not-- whatever deepened the joy and stability we seek. we prayed for courage to do the work when we returned back to the source of our coming. we would not leave the same as the way we came. how could we, when we ate hearty, sanctified meals prepared by goddesses who cook with love? the food made us happy and brave souls willing to exhale all discontentment and shame. we needed to be reminded that we could live better than we had... we needed to be reminded even, of our will to live.
i arrived there having let my light slip a bit. there was a time, not so long ago, when i wanted ceremonies, families joined in their struggle to reconcile the truth of two blakkboys' enduring love for one another: resilient and fearless. love for me represents more joyfullness, romance, and love making than I have experienced to date. so i wanted friends around who reminded me that i would not find fullness by becoming numb to love's promise-- defering it for another day or stopping short of whatever is best. i want to feel it's grasp now: holding me as tightly as my dearest would were it my last breath. but somehow... convinced that i might be expecting too much too soon, i got lost. an army of angels came to rescue me from the pit of self-doubt and disrememberance. i have known love so full it moved me to joy beyond measure. how did i let the memory of such fullness escape the tomorrow i had been molding with my will? how could i blame its loss on anyone but me? i can be the change i dream is possible, moving through blue to get to my rainbow. brave souls provided a noir reflection-- reminded me that i am love... am an inspiration... am worthy of someone so confidently blessed to be my complement that they beam, not shrink, at inquiry of my absence because I fill them with joy-- emit an aura that says "kept close" when thought about, tickle the gut to arouse the smile whose source is my own, my baritone resonating so deeply that the afterparts tingle with anticipation for the next time i sink myself into love...into him. why haven't i claimed this... its becoming or its revelation? why would i ever settle for less than this fullness? be somebody other than myself? have i been afraid to ask for what i so deserve?
at noir reflections 06, i was reminded: i am the shine and strength of leather. i am the bear's muse and hunger. i am greater than i have let myself be in recent months... and only i am to blame...only i can fix it. how could i let myself slip... doubt my agility to stretch into the fullness i'd been molding for years? I had to retreat to high hills and clean water-- remove myself from the muck of city smoke and delusions of "cool" to find a perfection so simple it is God.
tonight i am praying for rememberence... for what it feels like to shake worry and embrace peace of mind and joy-- feel good about rising with a rise and making my sweetheart blush... my sweetheart is one who blushes because he is proud that i love him. my sweetheart keeps me blushing. he is thankful for friends who'd hold my wait in his absence. i am learning to recognize that mine is a love that expects better love than the day before, not the contentment of "cool" or deferred dreams. how simple it can be to let love extend itself, without fear or trepidation of the hurt. how powerful would such a love be to those looking for clues on what it means to make it work, without feeling like you're always working. I am remembering the brothas around me who saw the shine i have forgotten. If need be i will rewind life to december 8-10 in '06 to glimpse a sense of what it feels like to show and be shown adoration. it is as sweet as my first honeysuckle kiss.
how could i ever doubt whatever has made me smile? why would i continue to let in anything that would bring me to tears so full of pain they do not fall for fear of blinding me? i am claiming release from anything that would wish me less that my most full smile. i am turning myself over to those who provide safety enough to draw out tears I have not let fall since Rickey's fall. i am remembering the strength of the savior who held me then and claiming it again. He would want that for me: ceremonies, rituals, and assurance... that the best days are yet to come. He wants me to feel the love he knows my heart beats for. Gotta get back to honoring how sweet that is.
and I have noir reflections 06 in deep creek maryland with Us Helping Us to thank for these and other revelations: eric nicholson, monte' j., yarde, marques, sleepy, ernest, patrick, nigel, donte shannon, ken, curtis, tavarious, chris, emile, jeff, and kimothy. i thank them for holding a mirror to myself through eyes so fierce in their loving that I see myself as nothing less than the beauty I am looking for.
I am claiming my fullness this moment, and...