Today, as I sit still, I think. Life, or the life I have been gifted with (as I'm now choosing to refer to it), has been covered by what feels like a heavy fog lately. There have been so many changes I've experienced in the last four months. There has been a lot of pain. There has been LOTS of rejection. There have been lots of financial challenges and hardships. There has been much uncertainty.
A significant part of life for me has changed rather abruptly and to say that I've had a hard time adjusting and adapting would be the understatement of the century. My first response to all that has happened is to run, which is unusual for me. Under ordinary circumstances I've learned and remembered by this point in life that those situations, things, and experiences that I seek to avoid are the very ones that hold the key(s) to a space of healing. However, these have not been nor are they currently "ordinary" circumstances. The life that I've experienced, built, nurtured, and worked very hard at maintaining for the last 4.5 years has shifted. It feels like the end. Everything deep inside me wants to believe that it's not an ending, but instead just a new beginning. Unfortunately, my heart and my emotions can't process that right now. The challenges, the pain, the hardships, the losses, the sadness, the unhappiness, the "cracks in my foundation", I'm realizing have all become so massive that the ordinary wellspring of strength and resolve that I have to draw from in times of difficulty feels like it has run dry. I've felt weak. I've felt as if I have little to no fight in me. I realize that a lot of this is largely due to one particular area of my personal life which feels like it is falling apart. In point of fact, I acknowledge that it has fallen apart. What I haven't been able to process or grasp, or remember (until today) is that even the falling apart is necessary. It feels like hell from moment to moment. I feel like I'm living through one of the absolute worst experiences emotionally that I've ever experienced in 37 years of life...and in hindsight, I can say there have been various ones in the past. But here in the midst of this experience, the things I went through in the past (especially some of the main ones that led to the creation of what is now Brave Soul Collective) all feel like tiny, insignificant blips on the radar. As I live through each moment of this time, I feel something whispering in my ear that it will all pass and that I will come through. The difficulty arises when the white noise of pain continues to blare so loudly that the other voice of comfort feels almost nonexistent. Still, I hear it nonetheless. Given my current state, I have to work harder to pay more attention to that voice telling me I'll get through as opposed to all the "OLD" tapes that have caused me to feel stuck.
All of what I'm experiencing right now is reminding me of some very important things about myself that I obviously had forgotten in the process of living life, being in a relationship, seeking to expand my horizons professionally, and living life as an artist. All of it has at many times converged and seduced me into thinking that I had a "handle" on everything. Obviously, some areas of my life were/are in great need of attention in order for me to move forward and to continue doing the work I came here to do. As I'm sitting here writing this, I have just gotten a reminder, which is a beautiful confirmation that even in the middle of what feels like my darkest hour, I'm being loved, protected, guided, and pointed in the direction of the the light.
I have no shame in admitting that I haven't felt very "brave" lately. In point of fact I've felt so low that I've barely recognized myself and hardly believed in my ability to come out of this "hole". Thankfully I've had family, friends, and an army of "angels" on my side to carry me through until I'm FULLY ABLE to return to an awareness that all of what happens in life is always by design, ----even while being in what feels like a bottomless pit of pain, despair, lack, confusion, guilt, doubt, fear, and darkness. Each breath I take in going through this experience is one that I am grateful for. I'm having to dig deeper than I've ever had to before, into a "treasure chest" of mental, emotional, and spiritual weaponry that is always there for my use. The difference between today and all the days leading up to this moment is...I REMEMBER.
I have much WORK still left to do ---literally and figuratively, personally and professionally, emotionally and spiritually, and thankfully...artistically. Thinking about getting all of it done at once (as I usually do) is what causes most of the discomfort and makes things even more difficult for me. Patterns, behaviors, thoughts, beliefs that I have adopted, carried, and worn for a long time must now be removed, in order to make way for what(ever) comes next...
Life can, and will at times lay us FLAT and may feel as if it is crumbling piece by piece...as if a total demolition is taking place. When that happens, it's because a re-building is required. What I am grateful to be reminded of, is that THERE'S ALWAYS MORE. More love, more beauty, more joy, more abundance, more happiness, more freedom, and more LIFE on the other side of what has fallen away. I'm working day by day to release my grasp and my stronghold on what was, in order to ready myself for what clearly is now ready to be...
These days I'm choosing to be very still, silent, and to stay in meditation and prayer. It's only in stillness & silence that I can hear the inner voice which is leading me into the next phase of this life I've been gifted with.