Seasons, circumstances, feelins,
people...winds all do it
Even still I have the hardest time adaptin to it
Unconcerned with what I want or how it makes me feel
Cant control its flow,
aint no way 2 know
Exactly whats its purpose
or when its gonna surface
like it's been said before in songs
I know...a change gon come,
I only I wish I knew
jus where that change was comin from
sometimes confused by it
at times amused by it
can't do a thing to interfere
with what it was, or is, or gonna be
won't let its partnership with uncertainty unnerve me
convinced against my doubts & fears
not always out 2 hurt me hardly
instead I tell myself its purpose is 2
be my army
i just move from day to day
one at a time
change won't stop me
from livin my life.
Change is inevitable, unpredictable, and ongoing.
I know it's not the enemy...but...lately that is how it feels-
like CHANGE is fuckin with me just for the sheer hell of it, and at other times it feels as its if a gift right from the invisible loving arms of the god of my understanding.
When I think of it, I think about sayings such as..."Everything must change", & "The only constant in the world is change"...As poetic as those things sound and how true I know them to be, they rarely tend to be of much consolation when change shows up in my world.
It can work any number of ways really...most times though, its felt like it was always working hand in hand with time, against me in some cruel plot to complicate and make my life miserable.
Most of the time I become angry and resentful when I feel powerless due to my lack of knowledge about the particulars---
how, when, where, why and most importantly.............what impact will it have on me & my life.
I haven't had this hard a time writing somethin for this website, until now. I guess this is because my life these days has felt like I'm at the cruel and twisted mercy of change as it ebbs and flows through my universe. its kept me thinkin even more than I normally do (which is sayin somethin) and it has forced me stop wherever i've been and surrender. It's made me want to cry, even though for whatever reason, tears just would not come. Its reminded me that EVERYTHING has been and will be as it must in order for me to pass go, collect 200, & keep it movin. like a game. the kind of game that I've felt like i've been takin a miserable ass whoopin at, but also that is preparing me. I realize that alot of this probably makes very little sense and yet somehow, this is the closest I've been to being able to articulate whats goin on inside my head and my heart these days.
I've been attempting to complete this submission for the last month. Ironically, my focus as it pertains to the topic has kept shifting...I think I now understand why I've had such difficulty in writing the piece. I've been tryin to pin it down, stop it, if only for a day, a minute, a second, in order to examine it and yet each time I think I got it--- (my focus, my feelings, and a general idea as to how to move) it evades me. I know change is ongoing and as of late, it has done everything to continually remind me of that fact.
Certain things in my personal life, my mood, my financial state, and everything in between have all been changing so rapidly, I've barely been able to keep up.
And then, something happened yesterday. My outlook started to shift a little. I thought about everything that has happened lately, how in the dark I've felt most times, and how I'm finding my way back into the light. My mood changed...my perspective changed.
Just like change itself (in its many forms/shapes/colors), I change. I can be angry all I want about the fact that change keeps happenin. That won't stop it. I can however as a song I've been listenin to lately suggests, "Play With The Changes" (by the group 4Hero)
...I let them come now...even when they seem to be fuckin with me like I mentioned above...especially when that happens, I have to shift how I'm thinkin and adjust. If there's one thing I am, it's resilient. I can adapt. I know its something I'm definitely capable of, but a lot less willing to do oftentimes. Change is uncomfortable most of the time. It can be very puzzling and unapologetic. It hurts sometimes. Not for long in most cases though. Speaking from experience, the hurt is the good kind...the kind that tends to come from growth. Even as I write this, alot of it feels convoluted...complicated...challenging...but what is life if not a challenge most times? Its here for me to live it...and so...at least today, right now...in this moment I'm a bit more optimistic about life and its twists, and turns, and changes than I was when I started writing this piece over a month ago. When I got the bright idea to address change as topic I had no idea what kind of journey I was about to embark upon. At that time, it had a bit more to do with how much we've all been hearing that word lately as it pertains to politics but miraculously, yet again, life has given me the wonderful tool of experience. Now that I've had this particular experience, and I'm on the other side of it all, I get it. I'm clear...for the time being...but that is however, subject to change...